Resources for Children

Helping a child navigate their grief from the loss of a companion animal while also navigating your own can be an incredibly challenging situation, but can also be an opportunity to teach them how to cope with loss in a healthy way. 

The best approach is to provide clear communication, model healthy emotional expression, and create a safe outlet for your child’s feelings - with a healthy dose of grace and care for yourself as you work through your own feelings and emotions at the same time. Below are some helpful tips to help support children through the loss of a beloved animal:

• Sharing the news. One of the hardest parts of losing a companion animal can be sharing the news to a child. Try to do it in a place where they feel safe and comfortable and aren’t distracted by the environment. If possible, leave plenty of time for the conversation to unfold naturally.

• Consider your individual child. Base how much information you give your child on their age, maturity level, and life experience. For example, young children don’t yet understand that death is permanent. In these cases, focus on simple direct answers and provide extra physical comfort. Older children might understand that death is final but might not apply it to themselves, or might even express anger at the animal for leaving. Some children may have already lost an animal in the past. Do your best to assess and consider the individual needs and temperament of your child to help guide the conversation.

• Use honest, concrete language. It can seem harsh, but using the word “died” is okay and healthy, even if your child is too young to fully understand what death means. Euphemisms like “went to sleep” or “lost them” can cause confusion and anxiety in children, as they might interpret these sayings literally and develop anxiety around going to sleep or getting lost. Explain gently that your animal’s body stopped working and as sad as it is, death means we won’t be able to see them again. Children are naturally curious beings and may want to know details of the event(s) surrounding the loss. Some details might be important, while others might be traumatic. Expect lots of questions and answer them as best you can while considering what’s developmentally appropriate for your child.

• Tell the truth.  As tempting as it may feel, avoid trying to reframe the event with a lie, like “they went on a trip” or “found another home.”  This likely won’t make the sadness go away and if the truth comes out later on, your child might be angry that you didn’t share what really happened. With support and understanding, children deserve to know and can handle the truth.

  Validate all emotions. Like adults, children usually feel a wide range of emotions after a loss, like sadness, guilt, anger, or frustration. Let your child know it’s normal and okay to feel what they’re feeling, and that it’s okay to talk about their feelings. It’s also okay if your child doesn’t want to talk about it at first. Let them know you’ll be there when they’re ready. Oftentimes, children don’t know exactly what they’re feeling, they just know they feel something. This can be an opportunity to help your child learn about the grieving process and to label and regulate their emotions.

• Don’t gloss over it. Ruminating over the event isn’t healthy, but children deserve time and space to grieve and process emotions in their own way.  Don’t minimize the event or immediately attempt to “get rid” of emotions with distraction, especially in the beginning. This can be difficult for some, as it can be distressing to see a child upset or feel uncomfortable to sit with their intense emotions. Our natural instinct can be to try to make them feel better right away. Our real job is to sit with them in these tough situations, not to make the situations disappear. Attempting to avoid or make hard emotions “go away” could teach your child that their feelings are bad or scary instead of natural, which can cause unresolved emotional turmoil with this loss and with others down the road.

• Let them see you grieve.  Showing how you feel and talking about it openly can set a healthy example for how to process emotions and grief. While it’s still important to set reasonable boundaries for what you share with your child, it’s also okay for your child to see you cry and to know you’re upset about the loss, too. This might feel uncomfortable, but can teach your child that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling, and could be comforting for them to know they aren’t alone in feeling sad.

• Honor your animal.  After the initial shock of the loss fades, it’s important to help your child move forward. It can help to find special ways to honor and remember your beloved animal. Share stories of their funny moments. Hold a memorial service. Read books about animal loss or write in a journal. Create a special keepsake, memory box, or scrapbook. Talk about your animal often and highlight ways to still stay connected to each other, even though they’re gone. Let your child know that while the pain will go away, the happy memories of the animal will always remain.

• Keep an eye on behavior.  Because children often lack the vocabulary to articulate their emotions, grief can manifest itself as sudden behavioral changes. These behaviors act as coping mechanisms, varying widely by age but generally showing up as regressions, anger, meltdowns, academic struggles, or physical complaints. Many times, children don’t even know they’re grieving. It’s important to talk to your child about what they might feel throughout the grieving process and to provide extra support and understanding.

• Seek extra support if needed.  If your child’s intense grief symptoms persist for several weeks or months, impair daily life, or if they talk about wanting to join the deceased, professional mental health support may be needed. While fluctuating sadness and emotional responses are perfectly normal, intervention is critical when grief disrupts their schooling, eating, sleeping, or overall safety. If this step is needed, emphasize that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. Find resources for extra support HERE.

• Be kind to yourself.  It can be difficult and distressing for a parent to see their child in pain and often triggers a natural “fight or flight” stress response in parents. Distress is completely normal, but can be both physically and emotionally draining. Be sure to take care of yourself. You’re going through a hard time, too.